Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

**okcsuzq Admin** Sun Mar 28, 2021 5:08 pm

Damned if you Do, and Damned if you Don't.

(a reflective look at raising children)

       I want to start out by first saying that I am not a doctor of anything. I hold no degrees of any kind. In fact I never finished high school; a fact I am not proud of, but I do want to be very clear about my credentials or rather the lack of them. The only title I can honestly lay claim to is ‘Mother’.

     I was a teenage parent; had my first child at 17, a girl. I was not alone, so I did not have the added problems so many young people do. I am not an authority on who should or should not have children, what age would be the best time, or how you should do it. All I can do is write about my own and some other experiences I have gained a little knowledge of.

     Whether you are the Queen of England, who has everything and every resource at her disposal or the Welfare Mother, who is basically on her own, there are a few things we all have in common. #1 in my book is the fear of having that first child. No matter how much education, money, position, or age; we all fear the unknown. There is nothing anyone can tell you that truly takes all the fear away.

     Your first birth can never and will never be the same as the woman beside you. Nor will it be the same as your next one. It can be similar, but because you are not the same your experiences can not be the same. We all are terrified the first time we hold that child. We get panicky when we think of changing that first diaper. And can anyone describe what we feel the first time we give that tiny, innocent little being its first bath? There are many, many "firsts" throughout any child's life, and we all deceive our selves thinking it gets easier. Little do we know those first few years are really the least of our worries!

     Those first few years the child needs you more then they ever will later. This is the most dependent time of their lives. All you have to do is meet all their physical needs (feeding, diapering, bathing, etc.) The emotional needs are met instinctively; you don't even realize you are doing anything. If they fall and skin their knee; you check it, kiss it, and send them on their way. If something scares them; you check, comfort, advise and send them on their way. If they don't know how to do something; you check, show, encourage, and send them on their way. Your part is so easy to play; as long as you can hold up to any of their physical demands, you've got it made!

     The only thing that we can mess up at this time, is in the way we handle a situation that isn't familiar. When this happens, what do you do? (a) Ask your friends? (b) Check out the latest "How to" book? (c) Ask your Mother? (d) Pat yourself on the back, and congratulate yourself on being an exceptional mother; because you know that you should wait and see how it goes?

     Our first instinct is to (a) Ask our friends, but this is not the correct answer. Why do you think your friends would know more then you? We usually pick friends that are on the same level with ourselves intellectually, so it's not very likely they are going to know more then you. Think about the position you hold in this relationship. Do you want to admit to anyone, that you don't know something they apparently do? They aren't asking you those kinds of questions; if they were, you would then know that they don't know any more then you. So forget it, you really don't want to go there!

     (b) Check out "How to" books is not the answer either. How to books are helpful in a lot of areas, but more than likely you have already exhausted that avenue. If you feel you must, then go on and try it. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones and it will not cause more confusion then help. I feel they are all the same or all opposing each other. If they are the same, then what is wrong with you, that you do not know something that must be common knowledge? If they all oppose each other, then it is something that you as an individual must decide, anyway. How much did you say that book cost? I do not know many people that have much money to burn at this point in their lives. They are usually still adjusting to the new expenses that incur when the first child is born.

      (c) Ask your mother. Yes, your mother should know more then you; she has been there long before you, right? In most things I would say, "mother knows what's best". But in this area, I feel you should keep it to yourself. If mother gets a whiff of how you feel about this, look out for those other areas. Mothers mean well, but they have a hard time with cutting those apron strings. I should know, I have had to do it myself with my four kids; and a few that were only mine because we unofficially adopted them. If you are out on your own, then you have cut some of them already, and you do not want to have to start over with this painful process. If what she says sounds reasonable, try it. If it does not work, you will look like mama’s good girl and she will think that you must have done it wrong. Of course, you may be one of those rarities, a child that knows the true value of their parents. If this is the case, you should not be reading this anyway!

     (d) Is the correct answer. As I said before, this is the easiest time you will have with your child. So stop worrying, don't make waves. Take this time to really enjoy your child, it doesn't last as long as you might think! And if both of you manage to survive until they are grown; then pat yourself on the back and voice your congratulations…you are a good mother.

Note: If your instincts say there is something wrong, do not mess around trying to figure out whom to talk to! Contact your pediatrician…instincts are a woman's best tool so trust yourself. It is better to be safe then sorry. If you have any question or real concerns, this is the person you should talk to in the first place. People who give advice (including me) are well intentioned; but the doctor has actually been trained to deal with children's health.

      I will be 50 years old this year. I have given birth to four kids and raised seven. My first was when I was 17, and I had my last at the age of 33. That is a long stretch, in my opinion too long. But when God makes up His mind, it simply is so. I must say, He was right in my case. My youngest is my saving grace; but that is a subject for later. I just wanted to make the point that my experience with having children is over a very long period of time. Most people have two or more kids about two to five years apart. My oldest is 16 years older then my youngest. You would be very naïve if you thought I did not have more than normal problems from this scenario.

     First, I was a young adult in the late '60's and early '70's. I had my second child in '71 (a boy) I was 19. We were a very opinionated generation in my opinion. Maybe not anymore than any other, but it sure seems that way. I have often thought it might have been that we were only more verbal. Either way, we took ourselves very seriously. I would say the top three subjects of malcontent at that time were the Vietnam War, drugs, and over population. Each of these subjects touched every one of us, in some way and/or to some degree. Each is a lengthy and very worthy subject in its own right, but my concern right now is with over population. Of course, I stayed with my convictions one marriage and two children. I was naïve enough to believe this was the right way and therefore would last forever. I suppose all young people, whatever the era, believe the same things. We never think that time might do some adjusting to those beliefs. We were so arrogant in our narrow mindedness. We forgot that the only true constant in life is change. If you do not change, you do not grow. If you do not grow, you cannot have progress. And believe me, we most definitely need to progress in this society. We are not even close to where we ought to be.

     So, in my first marriage I was under the line with having 2 of the 2.5 children we allotted ourselves (or I should say the "authorities' allotted us). People do not think about how much they will grow and change through their lives. It was a "given" that I would not be the same person at 22, that I was at 16. But in all fairness to myself, my development was not as negative as the need my husband had for me to stay the same. Whatever age we have a child, we age and grow up along with them. Just as we teach them the skills they need to survive in this society, they teach us tolerance, patience, forgiveness, and responsibility. This is a give and take relationship, and no one survives it unscathed. The phrase "dysfunctional family" is a contradiction in terms, to me. Any time you survive within a family, you are functioning; and how the dynamics of one family works, is not necessarily how another family would survive. There is not a picture-perfect diagram that we can follow. We must learn as we go, and the learning process is never without mistakes. If you do the best you can, and you survive, you must be doing something right. I do not mean to sound flippant, or unconcerned with the abuse some children are put through; my meaning is that "not being prefect" is not being abusive. The term "dysfunctional" is being tossed around too freely, in my opinion. It magnifies your doubts and concerns and gives children an excuse for unacceptable behavior, along with an escape for not accepting responsibility for their actions. It suggests that we may need to test potential parents before they have children. If we do, at what age do we start testing? What should be on these tests? Should we require couples to go to school before getting the wife pregnant? What grade score would be a passing grade? Who would be the people to construct these tests? And most importantly, would children of various ages be in a group that made these decisions?

      Once you get to this point, accept it or reject it, but as you decide how you feel about this, remember there is still something to consider: the main difference in America and the rest of the world is choice. We have so many choices, that we sometimes forget some of them. We do not have to be just like our neighbor. We can be alike and to the point with some things, yet still disagree about many others. Diversity is what makes us so unique. Then consider with this diversity, who would be able to agree with anyone else on which questions are important, and which ones are not?

     Things change with each generation. When I had my first 2 children, the popular belief about feeding infants was to give them formula the first two or three months. Then after that you gave them milk and at six to eight months, you take them off the bottle. They were to start strained vegetables at three months, progressing to strained meat at about six months. At eight or nine months you would start semi solid foods, or another phrase is "table food". By the time they hit a year they are eating small portions of food, at the table with everyone else. That first year seemed like a bombardment of new introductions. Children were expected to progress at a very fast rate.

     Seven years later, when my third child was born, everything had changed. First, forget the milk cause this one was allergic to cow’s milk. So, soy formula was the new answer. Even for those children that were not allergic; soy was thought to be the miracle product and the answer for everyone. The only food you were to introduce to your child was dehydrated cereal. When it came to strained fruits and vegetables, it was thought best to only try one variety at a time, and after they were about six months old. You were to try one for a week, see if they handled it well, and move on to the next. This was supposed to allow time for you to see if the child was allergic to the different foods. Introduction to "table food" was still around eight or nine months, a time that you also take them off the bottle.

       By the time my fourth child was born things had changed again. Soy was still the thing for those with milk allergies but was not thought to be for everyone. Cereals were given to those children that seemed to need a little something extra, even at the early age of six weeks. Strained fruit was a "no-no" until after a year because it was thought early introduction to fruits increased the probability of developing allergies. With vegetables you were to try them for a few days and then go to another. Stopping the bottle was not to be done too early, or to be forced. And "table food" was something you did not let them have until well over a year; it was more like eighteen months.

   With my oldest children the idea was to talk to your children and explain everything. If they ask to do, go, or have something, and your answer is no, you were to explain why not. If they did something wrong, and you thought they should be punished, you were to explain why. In my opinion all this talking and explaining only taught them how to perfect their manipulation abilities. The thing is children do not need any help in this area, they do quite well all by themselves. If they kept it up long enough, half the time I'd give up and let them have their way.

     With my third child, the way to do it was "compromise". Anything and everything was a compromise or give in early on and not waste any more time then was necessary. The frustration from bargaining with a three-year-old, is so intense, it is almost funny. You have lost before you even begin; and sadly, the child and you both know it.

     So, by the time you get to the fourth child, you gather all of the "how to" books and toss them in the trash. Then you stop listening to all the advice from your friends and family. You throw your hands in the air and decide you might as well trust your instincts because you could not do any worse. So, with my fourth child and my first grandson (whom I raised for a good number of his "character forming" years), I decided that there would be no explanations, no bribing, no begging, no compromising, no tricks, no going to the experts, and no negotiating. It would be the "old fashioned", direct approach; "my word is the law"! It may not have been the "right way", the "politically correct" way, or how "anyone else" would do it; but there were too many "perks" to not try it. Of all the different ways that I had tried it was the one that worked the best for me. If nothing else, it was the least complicated and therefore the least problems for me to have to deal with. By this time, I did not care about being fair because no matter how hard I tried to be fair, I was the one that always lost. I suppose the point I am trying so hard to make is that ideas on raising children change so frequently that it is almost impossible to keep up with and there is no one way that is perfect.

       I honestly believe that most people really do love their children very much. It is just that most of us do not go to school for 20 years to obtain the knowledge to handle every situation correctly, from day one until they are grown. We do not have the confidence that comes from that knowledge therefore we are more susceptible to manipulation. Our fear that we have not or are not doing things just right makes us very vulnerable. So, to me it becomes a hit and miss, trial, and error process.

       In my opinion, most of us fall into one of two categories: one is ignorance-we simply do not know that we are not doing things correctly, so there are not as many in-surmountable problems. Two is we are only educated in the basics-we know there are other people out there that know so much more than us. This attitude leaves us vulnerable to every theory that comes along thus, the corner stone set for our ability to be manipulated. How many females do you know that sincerely believe males lucked out by having a penis (penis envy, Freud)? Before you answer, consider the complete picture, the physical and mental differences. If you have been totally honest, you will see what I mean. I am not saying we do not desire the little "perks" men get just because they are male. Who would not want to make a better salary, or have a higher status? What female would not mind having 50%less responsibility for the care of home and children? Even if your spouse shares the domestic chores, he is not expected to share them evenly or without mistakes, as you are.

       If you can talk him into going with you to counseling or parenting classes, he is not expected to do as well. Or we can put it this way, he is not ostracized if he has trouble understanding or if he lapses back into the old behavior. Please do not think I am male bashing (another catch phrase), honestly, I am not. I am stating my opinion, after years of observation. I know there are a few men out there that this does not apply to and that there are some that it only partially applies to. These men are truly great finds and should be cherished for it. My first husband could talk the talk (knew just exactly what to say always), but couldn't walk the walk (didn't feel it was his job).

     My second husband is one of the rarities, and I do thank God and his mother whenever the occasion arises. Between the two of them, he turned out almost perfect. He believes that the responsibilities are shared but that I knew more about each situation that arose when dealing with the kids, I was with them more, and I could be trusted to know (if it could be known) what was best to do. And he was always there if I got into a tuff spot and needed extra help. Now you really must love a man like that!

     Between the age of 17 and 27, my oldest daughter married three duds (or ‘it is not my job’ kind). Around the age of 28, she finally met one with potential. The jury is still out; but the next couple of years should tell all.

    My oldest son, I must say, is one that falls into the general consensus. He has four children by three different women and managed to accomplish this fete in less than three years (three months short, to be more exact). He does not have a relationship with his oldest child-girl, the two he helped create within a more normal situation (meaning he attempted to actually have a marriage and family), he sees when the mood moves him. The fourth child, a boy, lives with him along with the boy's mother (which he finally married, after the department of human services got involved in their situation) and her daughter by another marriage. I must admit that the boy's mother is not my idea of what a mother is all about, but they seem to have survived. The thing is that because he is involved in the youngest child's life, he believes he is a good father. His behavior with his children shames me because I worked very hard to teach him the difference in giving a child everything they want and caring for them responsibly. You have probably heard the old adage "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Well, it applies here very well. It is hard to admit defeat, but sometimes you just must cut your losses and move on. Once a male has hit 30 years of age, you are not likely to change anything about him.

        My third child is 25 years old and has not been married or given birth yet. So, there isn't a lot you can compare in her life. She is my own personal nemesis, the one that is most often at the "root" of my feelings of inadequacy. She is the one where the negotiation techniques were tried and proven so terribly inadequate. Since I am a mother and a human being, therefore fallible, my feelings in the area of her being a mother are not completely mature. All that I can say about it is: I cannot wait! I love all my children very much, but like I said, "I'm only human" and as we all know "pay back is a mother".

       My fourth child is only 16, so I cannot comment on his ability to parent or choose a spouse. What I can say is he seems to have inherited all his father's good characteristics, and only a few of the "not so good" ones. The main thing about his personality is that he does respect females, all females. Even though he does not understand a whole lot about them, he does like them as "people", not just as the "opposite sex". This is a major accomplishment to my way of thinking and not necessarily all to my credit. There is a social growth spurt that should start at any moment, between 16 and 22; so the jury is still out to a certain extent, and only time will tell.

    There are a number of suggestions that can be made to help prepare parents for what they will surely encounter as their children and they grow up. To me the first, and fore most in importance, is to consume every single possible moment you can with them from birth to about seven. The bond you build during this time is the foundation of your relationship for the rest of your life. This is the time they are more your child, than a separate individual. After the age of seven, every year of school, they separate themselves from you a little more, until they are more themselves and less your child.

     The second is to remember you are not perfect, even if some people think you should be. You are going to make your fair share of mistakes, which is your right. Whichever ones you make it is up to you to face the consequences, no one else will share the blame but there will be plenty that will want to share the glory. This is just a fact of life and cannot be changed. Only the way you deal with it can be in your control.

    The third is you should keep a small part of yourself for yourself. You will need to expand this area as they get older. If you do not do this, it will be a lot harder on you when they get to that point where they think they no longer need you in their lives. Believe me, they will get there it just matters how deeply they believe it and how long until they figure out this is not the truth. But truth or not, once they are fully grown, you will need other things to occupy your time, and provide you with something to do; instead of feeling lost and alone. Remember they are only really yours that first seven or so years.

    The fourth but not the least is nurturing your relationship with your mate or whoever has been your support system during their growing up time. This person or persons have been there with you through it all and will still be there if you realize the importance of their presences, and their input in your life. Humans are social animals, and we really do need each other to be healthy, happy individuals.

    Another consideration in the development of these amazing creatures is that children learn their basic social skills at home. I found that it mattered more that my children saw me reading, than for me to tell them how important it is to read. If this is true, and it is, then it only makes sense that how they see you interact with others will affect how they believe they should. Some will say that this belief does not fit with the "do what I say" discipline that I spoke of. To me this is wrong because there is a difference in discipline and social behavior. You discipline them to get them to learn right from wrong, a moral concept. You do not teach them the morals that someone else has, you teach them what you believe to be correct; therefore, you should be doing the things that you teach them yourself. Social behavior is a concept that deals with what is accepted in the general make up of a society. They learn their personal hygiene because of an accepted social behavior, not because it is morally correct. What they see you do at home will matter when they come into a situation that leaves them unsure of themselves. They will draw on those concepts, if for no other reason than we use what we know, when we are not sure how to do something.

    In conclusion, this writing is only my opinion, developed from my perspective. It is not the gospel and should not be treated as such. If you found anything of value from reading this then you have gained, if not then you have lost nothing but a little time. Whether or not you believe any of the things I have spoken of, I hope that you have at least been somewhat entertained.

Not The End,

but maybe close enough

Susan Palmer-Davis

2002

Please Do Not Copy or Print

Without My Permission